Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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