im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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