What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
