DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
