In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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