he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
