he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
