There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
