You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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