Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
