drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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