I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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