I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
