You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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