Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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