my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
