shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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