I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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