true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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