I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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