So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
