why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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