member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
