so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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