just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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