so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
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