life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
id be glad to
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
