the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize