A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
