Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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