I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
