She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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