My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
