remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
