I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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