Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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