HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I will be naked everywhere
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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