Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
