his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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