Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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