I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
