Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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