My hand turned me down
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
