I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
