just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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