That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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