I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
