Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
