Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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