You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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