Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
