I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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